Forget-Me-Nots

Jade's advice for the day:

Speak, and you won't be forgotten.

( In other words, you won't be lost in a field of forget-me-nots.)

Small Talk

(Apparently, this is a quote from The Cure in a song called Just Like Heaven, up in the picture above. Info from: WeHearit.)

Dear You, I guess you're pretty angry at yourself, right? People just don't get you like you wish they would. And honestly, you assume it's you that's the problem. You're the different one, the person people don't understand. Why don't you change? Right?... Wrong. You're very wrong. Because if you changed yourself to be like everyone else, then it would be a crime to your soul. Lying to your own face. Trying to be someone else would be disrespecting yourself. It's like insulting the person you really are inside, hating yourself to the core. That would be the ultimate form of self-hatred. But lucky you, you're still you and still angry. Take angry any day. You'll thank yourself in the long run. Love, Your Good Old Conscience

For You

Before reading this post, consider the following:
Lots of people celebrate 100th posts in lots of different ways. Some say it flat out: Happy 100th post! Others make lists. Or post pictures. Well, along the population of lots of different people, I have my own method of story telling. Lyrics. Lyrics that I wish I could wear around my neck, or gush about, or tattoo on my wrists. I'm a sucker for symbolic things, and these bits and pieces of amazing songs are symbolic to me, and who I am. Thanks for listening :)

***

"Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave
Without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed."
~ The Smashing Pumpkins in Tonight
Fate is like a snowflake. It is never the same each time around, yet it is always fragile and impossibly, painfully delicate and beautiful. However, when you try to touch it, reach out for it, not because you deserve it, but because you want it, you cannot have it. Forever changed, it's gone. "An old mother dies
Her intentions
Fall to the floor
The angel closes her eyes,
The confusion that was hers
Belongs now,
To the baby down the hall."
~ Pearl Jam in I Can Feel it Coming Back Again
By fate, I was given a strong-willed mother, with us as her only intentions to protect, and love. By fate, my father is subsiding, easy to persuade, intense, his love as fierce as an earthquake. This, is what I am made up of, I can feel it in my molecules. I believe that there is a reason to everything, and that everything is important, no matter how small. I was given all those names for a reason. Because... I am me."Flaxin hair blown out in the breeze
It is time for the geese to head south
I have come with my mustard seed
I cannot accept that she will be taken from me."
~ Tori Amos in The Beekeeper
My young, strong mother made a shelter, and kept us safe from the lightening above. And the monsters. But soon, I lost trust in everyone, and they were all mosters. Until...
...I met a boy with a kind face and dancing eyes one fatefull day, a day that could have gone any way, and never before have I met wild blue eyes that dance. But now I believe all those people that claim that they do exist.
"There's a sign on the wall
But she wants to be sure
'Cause you know
Sometimes words have
Two meanings."
~ Led Zeppelin in Stairway to Heaven
Exhaustion, pulsing through my veins. There's a slight warm feeling to it, slightly static, soaring through my fingertips. Heavy eyelids, slackened shoulders. Being able to allow myself to dream without thinking. That, my friend, is incredible, something that I now can appreciate everyday. No longer isomnic, I sleep through nights that would normally leave me shreiking and shivering inside.
All because of two people.
"Can you feel it, see it, hear it today?
If you can't, it doesn't matter anyway
You will never understand it
'Cause it happens too fast
And it feels so good, it's like walking on glass."
~ Faith No More in EpicYou showed me beauty, you showed me hatred. But somehow, within all of that, I found something even more beautiful. Memories.
"Some call it slums
Some call it nice
I wanna take you through a wasteland
I like to call my home
Welcome to paradise."
~ Green Day in Welcome to Paradise"Dreaming's just another word for
Nothing left to loose."
~ Janis Joplin in (I don't know the title of the song, sorry!)
When you're in dreamland, there are no boundaries. Only miles of ocean to search in, digging, stripping off all the secrets that I've known as shelter. All my secrets are out, and I'm just simply picking up the pieces.

"So take the photographs
and still frames in your mind,
Hnag them on a shelf in good health
And good time,
Tattoos and memories and
Dead skin on trial,
For what it's worth, it was
Worth all the while."
~ Green Day in Good Riddance
You know what? It hurts to be left, to be pushed aside, to decieve, to persuade otherwise. But it also hurts even more to have fate slip me a pass, give me a second chance, only to be hurt again. Sometimes, though, trust brings you great things, people you could never imagine living without. That's what happened to me. Thank you.
"Your head is humming
And it won't let go
In case you don't know
The piper's calling you to
Join him."
~ Led Zeppelin in Stairway to Heaven

Who's amazed me:
"You write amazing Jade, you will make your mark." ~ Joy
"...I think, though, that some people, may confuse this with a diary blog, but those people, would be wrong. It's not a diary blog at all! It's an artistic expression, and that's why I like it." ~ Sophia
"I love how you always share small pieces of your life. It leaves me having to put them together like a puzzle, trying to figure you out." ~ Francesca
"...And I love how you just did that. How you just described that so cooly. You do know you'd be the most amazing writer someday, right?" ~ Cassidy
"I wish a lot more girls would realize this, because maybe... just maybe things would be different." ~ Talia
"I love this poem!! It makes the word "aurora" sound like rainwater seeping through the insulation in your house... I like it!" ~ That Blond Guy
"Don't change yourself for anyone else. Just be you. Do what you think is right." ~ Anonymous
"Wow, to think one little tree inspired another amazing post. Thank you, TREE!" ~ xoxo, Hannah.
"Your blog is always a good place to come if I want a little piece of insight on something... you have this special way of seeing everything. Not just seeing it, but really seeing it." ~ Francesca

Honestly, there are so many incredible things to say, so many great things to post. But that would take an eternity to write, and to read. But I will say this: thank you so much for giving me the will power to write all of this. This is for you guys :) You're my inspiration.
Fate is indeed magic.

Alernative Teacher

Little kids inspire me. And I hate to admit this, but I'm jealous of them a lot of the time.
They, first of all, have the best hair. It makes me blush to say this even to myself. Their little ringlets of hair are always so soft and bounce whenever they walk, their hair tumbling effortlessly over their shoulders. Unintentional curls, to me, are the most beautiful.
They're consistently happy, even about the smallest things, whatever it may be. A smile someone had given them earlier that day, an innocent cartoon, where the characters are their best friend. Randomness, your car keys, bubble gum and candy, and, even pennies.

I really want to try this. So maybe, when the weather gets warmer, I will :) I want to be amused by the small things in life, live in the moment, and learn to just laugh and be innocent all around. Children hold the secrets to happiness in life. I envy that. Seriously, why aren't kids teachers?

Goal: for the rest of the day, act and live as if I'm five years old.

P.S. You know what's coming. My 100th post. Any ideas? Hit me.

All High Cheekbones

Simple sweetness to his face,
all high cheekbones and innocent eyes,
the way his bangs fall clashing with his eyelashes,
allows my heavy heart to subside; and now, it dries.

Growing Up (?)

winter.
This year I started out with my hair short and choppy. I was pretty sick all the time, my face pale, my insides nasty and crappy-feeling. I was angry, got intruduced to Brain Stew, and hated school. I despised anyone else who was happy, and wished that I could crawl into a cave (or, under my covers). I wanted to be someone else, someone new, reinvented, unlike any other costume I've ever tried on before. Angrily, screaming out my rage in silence, I typed up some of the best bits and pieces of my novel that still keep me awe-struck...

spring.
I couldn't move, couldn't go outside much, the sun hurt my dark winter eyes still too much. God, I want my hair grown OUT! I was still thawing out, still sick and tired. In gym, I continued to trudge along, behind the fence and into the baseball courts, where I round the bases, and sometimes, let a smile escape from inside of me. I discovered the potential outside forces held, and my love for Led Zeppelin (the band that makes me most happy). Gradually, I finally began to warm up again.

summer.
Let me out!, is what I have begun to live by. Restless, I began to see the potential everything has, which began to rupture some old memories that are still raw to this day. I want them back. Back. But I can't. I can only move foward. I hurt some people, yelled, screamed into pillows to get some of my built-up rage out of me, drying up and beginning to start over. You know the drill. This summer, I've spilled my heart out to this little blogging world of mine, the people I trust the most with some things. Chamomile isn't going to help this longing, heavy heart I have inside me. Only moving on can do this. And acceptance. My word of the season...

autumn.
This was a turning point for me. I grew my hair out some, found a great new friend, chased after what I have wanted, took some risks, met an artist, learned to ignore what others want from you. I traveled to the country to wind around back roads, got a new fuzzy friend :), and learned that keeping close, getting close to someone isn't a bad thing. Not a bad thing at all.

winter.
Here we are again. Back to square one. I'm retracing my tracks, erasing some, and starting over, but in a clearer, healthier way. And I'm smiling, still listening to Brain Stew, but this time simply nodding my head along, not howling with it in rage. Now, I'm learning to forgive...

This has been my year. I don't regret one thing done. I needed all of these experiences to become who I am right now. Thank you, fate.
...Did YOU grow up a little this year like me?

Space

Sometimes, I just wish I could take everything out of my room and start fresh again. I want to pull every trace of furniture out, rip down my curtains and photos on the walls, and paint everything white again. I'd like to leave the windows open all day on the coldest day of winter to let every trace of the past float out the window. Then, in a freezing room, I'd come in with a big sweatshirt and curl up on the floor, the tips of my fingers blue, wanting a second chance. Basically, all i really want is for my life to rewind two and a half years, then hit play. And live up the time of my life all over again.

Short hair, fillet-o-fish commercial, him, my oversized hoodies, the snow, gasoline, freezing cold fingers.
Yeah. That was my life. And I miss it so much.

8/26/09

Last year, I got this calendar. It's the paper kind that you see in offices with little notes under the date written all over the place. So it was on sale for a dollar at the store, and my mom asked me if I wanted to get it. At first, I had no clue what to do with it, but for some odd reason, I said yes, and I bought it, took it home, and found out that it didn't fit on my desk. Great. So then I decided to stuff it underneath my bed, and write what happened underneath the date, everyday. So I did. And now I am completely addicted.
It's a lot easier and less sappy than a diary, with still something to say, you know? And it's a lot quicker, and takes just three minutes to jot something- anything that you thought was funny or horrible -down. All this time I've been writing, I haven't even looked over what I had been writing for almost a year in tiny boxes. And the first date I read was today, a year ago.
It's odd reading something from a year ago, on the exact date, still someone you've yet to come. I've always wondered to myself, Gee, I wonder what I was doing on this exact date, identical time, three years ago. And let me tell you, reading it gave me the chills. Almost like looking in the mirror, and seeing yourself, but with a mask on. You can see all the flaws, the differences, and all the mistakes. It's creepy.If I could go back in time, I would have told myself this: Stop worrying about all the small things. Just look in the mirror. I mean, really, look. You're beautiful, stop changing yourself. Popularity and pretty faces and brands aren't everything, actually, they're nothing. You should think more about the good things about yourself, instead of tearing everything apart, trying to morph into something you're not, and never will be. Just live. Say yes when he asks you out with that pleading look in his blue eyes, leave your hair alone, and open your eyes. Open them, look around for a minute. It's a really beautiful place.
But I can't tell myself this. I can only warn myself now.
Today may have been average, typical, boring, but someday you'll look back on it and smile for what it was.

There is a Reason for This, You Know

Flaxen hair blown out in the breeze
It is time for the geese to head south
I have come with my mustard seed
I cannot accept that she will be taken from me.

"Do you know who I am", she said
"I am the one who taps you on the shoulder when it's your time
Don't be afraid I promise that she will awake
Tomorrow somewhere
Tomorrow somewhere."

Wrap yourself around
The tree of life and the dance of the infinity
Of the hive
Take this message to Michael.

I will comb myself into chains
In between the tap dance clan
And your ballerina gang
I have come for the beekeeper
I know you want my
You want my queen
Anything but this
Can you use me instead?

In your gown with your breathing mask
Plugged into a heart machine
As if you ever needed one
I must see the beekeeper I must see if she'll keep her alive
Call engine 49 I have come with my mustard seed.

"Maybe I'm passing you by
Just passing you by girl
I'm passing you by
On my way
On my way.
I'm just passing you by
But don't be confused
One day I'll be coming for you...
I must see the beekeeper
I must see the beekeeper.
- The Beekeeper, Tori Amos

These lyrics are what have made up my childhood, I guess. They've kept me sane through all my worries. That's the great thing about songs. They teach you life lessons around stories. Sometimes, I think they can be even better than books. In the rain, I hum these same words to myself, and lull myself to sleep.