Still Here

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately.
(...She looks motherly, yet like she's still breathtaking. That is beauty. It's not something you can apply to your face...)

I've been thinking a lot about my family, and the women in my family especially. I just wish I could have known them longer (or at all), talked to them about her life. Because it's not the same hearing stories without their own points of view, and insight. Isn't it wierd, that people go through their lives keeping secrets, or memories, and never getting around to sharing them?

I've been thinking about me personally, about my writing. I mean, seriously, I want to be a writer so badly, that when I hear someone tell me otherwise, I just want to scream.

I've been thinking about friends, and what it means to be one.

I've been thinking about love, and what it means to love someone. It's all so vague. Do I treat my family and friends well, or not?

I've been thinking about the "Real World", and how I can make it a place that doesn't give me wrinkles when I'm old. I don't want to tell people otherwise when I'm older; I really think that work and life can be beautiful if that's what you want to make it.

I need to study

to talk

to read

to write

to hug someone

to cry.

Yet, I'm still not doing any of those things. I'm still thinking.

Bitter Serendipity

Some days aren't good, or bad, but a mixture of both. Today wasn't a completly bad day, but it also wasn't perfect. These are the days that leave me wondering: which one is it?Two periods before we got out of school, one of my sort-of-friends smiles at me, and says, "You know, you look so pretty with your hair up, and that color shirt. Because of both those things, you look twice as pretty as usual." I swear, I couldn't stop smiling. Because nobody knows that I'm self-consious about my hair being up, that I think I don't look good. Like it a message to me, that yes, I actually do look good the way I am. Isn't it funny how we don't see ourselves how others see us, and that the way others see us are a lot better than our own perspective?
When I got home, it felt actually nice out, so I sat on the porch and just closed my eyes, pretending that I was actually sitting on the beach, and not at my house with the snow still on the ground. And then, after that, I went in and... I don't know. I felt pulled in two directions, with this decision that I had to make that second. I'm not great at split-second thinking, and I constantly go back and forth with what I might want, so this automatically overwhelmed me. Then, he came over, and I just felt mortified, as I stood there, practically crying. I was yelled at, and then when everyone left, I just sat on the porch in silence, staring straight ahead.
But after that, something pulled me to coming back inside. I dunno, call it a gut feeling, but my little kitten was at the door, waiting for me. Like she just knew.
So... I picked her up (her automatically purring, her warm body vibrating against my chest) and took her into my room, to sit down and play with her. I put my decoration pillows on the floor and piled them up like big towers, and lifted up my comforter so she could explore inside it. All the while she kept nuzzling me and following me around. I'm a huge softy when it comes to animals, so she just put me in a better mood.
I love cats. They just look so lithe, and lanky, and elegant.

So, what do you think? Overall, it felt okay, this day. But now I'll stop talking about it. I don't want to miss another second of the still-light, ocean-feeling day.

By Candlelight

Funny, that's what his face looks like when he laughs. He bends his head low and close to mine. I'm not nervous around him like other people. I can tell him more than a lot of people, and not just on a sappy love scale. I miss this, and yesterday, I was in tears because of it, just crying in my bed. He wasn't -isn't- just someone I happen to love. He used to be my friend.

Bite my lip, close my eyes, inhale, exhale everything I've been holding back.

Sea

Last night I was swallowed up by the sea. And it was beautiful. It's when incredible things feel totally real, and you can swallow, smell, and live in that moment of time. I can gulp down memories of hatred, love, happiness, and simpleness. All in one breath.

I almost told him that I loved him. We were laughing, like old times, and I could hear the words ringing in my throat, longing to come out. I love you. Almost. And then I was pulled under again, coming up from the foamy salt bath gasping for air, my stomach twisted all around. Even though it wasn't real, just my imagination, it left me wondering: Do I really? Last night I was swallowed by the sea, and today... I saw him, smiling at me. My ears have never rang louder.