The Key to Everyone

Honesty, to me, is the key to every relationship, small or big, insignificant or important. It's what makes people come together. Trust is what makes you lean into someone, knowing they won't let you fall, like those games that we all played when we were little with our friends. It's what allows you to curl up on your bed, feet pressed up against the wall, pouring your heart out to that best friend, or to laugh so hard with them that your stomach hurts. Or vise versa. It allows you to scream at someone without feeling tense. Honesty is a key to other people. Without that, people never get to know each other.I can honestly say I'm honest with every person I meet. Some people I might tell less to, but it's all the truth. Minus white lies, but everyone does that... right? At least, I hope so. White lies are necessary, just not for the big stuff.

I have a feeling this is a Shel Silverstein poem. Why? Because Shel Silverstein books are always black and white, and the drawing looks like it's in pen, like always, and it's sketched out, not perfect. I love his poems, they're funny and simple, and not so heavy (unlike my own writing, ha ha). My dad got me a Shel Silverstein book when I was little, and it's still on my shelf. I just might pull it out tonight...

A message to HER: I'm honest, and even if you're not, I'm going to continue to be honest with you. Because that's what you're supposed to do. If you can't come around and tell me why you hate me, then I'm sorry for you. Sometimes, the truth just hurts. See ya.

A Perfect Pair

I feel like I've known these new friends of mine for years, all of us huddled around one big table in class. Every one of us is completely different, but we all fit together perfectly, like a puzzle.
The girl next to me, curly-haired, tall, and skinny, is like an old soul, someone who sees potential in everything and everyone around her, reaching out to take you in. She's kind of serious, kind of quirky, and she's one of the most real people I've ever met.
There's another girl across from me, dark-haired with a bubbly personality and a wide smile. She's the kind of girl who gets her nails done prefessionally and carrys around metallic-colored purses, with her dark cat-eye makeup. But she's also stubborn and sarcastic, nowhere near sweet. More like me.
And then the girl diagonal from me, the quietest of all of us, is the one I'm most fascinated with. Her appearance is striking, with bright red skinny jeans and jet black hair that clashes with her fale white skin. She's very thin, as well as tall, almost as if she were a model. But she's hidden and shy, and hates how she looks. She feels as if people are constantly looking at her, like she was ugly. But she's just the opposite. Her eyes are wide and a dark brown, and her skin is smooth, and her features are well defined and suited for her face. Today was the first time she spoke to me, but then again, actions speak louder than words, right?
All four of us, huddled around our one big table, were meant to be. Somehow, it all works out.

Still Here

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately.
(...She looks motherly, yet like she's still breathtaking. That is beauty. It's not something you can apply to your face...)

I've been thinking a lot about my family, and the women in my family especially. I just wish I could have known them longer (or at all), talked to them about her life. Because it's not the same hearing stories without their own points of view, and insight. Isn't it wierd, that people go through their lives keeping secrets, or memories, and never getting around to sharing them?

I've been thinking about me personally, about my writing. I mean, seriously, I want to be a writer so badly, that when I hear someone tell me otherwise, I just want to scream.

I've been thinking about friends, and what it means to be one.

I've been thinking about love, and what it means to love someone. It's all so vague. Do I treat my family and friends well, or not?

I've been thinking about the "Real World", and how I can make it a place that doesn't give me wrinkles when I'm old. I don't want to tell people otherwise when I'm older; I really think that work and life can be beautiful if that's what you want to make it.

I need to study

to talk

to read

to write

to hug someone

to cry.

Yet, I'm still not doing any of those things. I'm still thinking.

Jump

Today I was painting in art, blending my blues and whites together to make everything look smooth and softened in the light. And then I see the girl next to me, watching me, smiling. She had been doodling in her notebook, but now her pencil was on the table, and she and another girl close by were watching me blend my colors together, as I now moved to black, darkening things, moving along, my hand speaking a language that only it knew best.
"What?", I had said, smiling at her.
She shook her head, watching with big brown eyes as I made swift movements with the paintbrush, almost like painting little feathers, or clouds.
"You're fearless when it comes to painting. You don't seem to need to make sketches or plan ahead. You just trust yourself at that moment, and keep going. I don't do that, I don't think I could. I'm always going slow around the edges, getting the details just right. That's why I like watching you paint. You're just in the moment."
I didn't tell her this, or anyone, but kept smiling as I bent my head down again to my work. But secretly, I'm a perfectionest, with my hair and skin, as well as my writing and school work and art. I analyze everything, agonize if I'm doing something right. But, funny... I guess I don't look like that. It made me feel secure, confident, that everyone else thought I was cool, calm, and collected when it was just the opposite.
But I'm not going to tell anyone that. Instead, I'm going to really try to be fearless, and just jump.

Wind Chimes

When I start to want wearing yellows and greens and pinks, and I find myself dressing up in summer clothes just for fun in the mirror, that's when I want spring to come. My neighborhood is big into get-togethers and cookouts, and everyone knows everybody, good and bad, and sometimes it's just fun to see everyone. I just miss taking walks around the block, and lake breezes and wind chimes. Out of all the things in spring, I think it's the wind chimes that steal me over. Because it's like sweet music clanking together, so delicate but loud at the same time. I also like the little lime green leaves that pop in contrast to a bright blue sky. Winter has been too quiet, too cold, and too vast and lonely. I need warmth. Wind chimes, can't you play your little song for me? Just once?

When Life Begins for You

You know, I really hate vacation weeks. Weekends are different. On the weekend, your parents have it off, too, so you can actually go places (to those who can't drive yet, like me). I'd even settle for the grocery store right now. Or the bank. I just need to get out of the house.
I just do not like routine things (although getting out of them can be a transition, if that makes sense). I change my routine a lot, and I don't like change, but want it, and need it, or I'll go insane. I can't explain it. Like, I don't know how people can just do the same thing day in and day out. I mean, instead of going to the store in the morning that you always go to, why not change it and listen to music and sing and dance while doing the dishes, or folding the laundry, then go to a different store instead of the same one every time? You know? I mean, change is good for you. And seriously, there might be something better than what you already have. I always tell myself this.
Like yesterday, my mom had planned to do errands, so I went with her, but instead got pulled to the little shops in town. We basically just walked around in the bright sunny morning and spent some money on ourselves (and told nobody else!). We went to Barnes & Nobles, and took pictures with our cell phones of funny pictures in the books, sending them to my brother. It was nice.
Speaking of getting out of routine, I just filled up my schedule with two art classes and dropped two studies. I know, I know. Most people would kill for a study, but I don't know. Ever since art ended last semester, I've been restless and frustrated, feeling like I did nothing all day. So, what the heck. I got rid of my studies, and only have one now every other day. But I think it's worth it. And besides, my new friend is in the class, and she let me sit at her table with two other girls, filling me in on everything (because I came into the class late). The other girl is super nice, so I think it's a good thing that I chose art.
I just might find something better. And also, which would you rather have?:
a) No homework, but nothing to do
b) Homework, but knowing you just had a day filled with art and friends
You decide.

Black Watchdogs

Because when one leaves...... they all seem to follow. Just a month or two ago I had at least fifty turkeys huddled in the trees above my window. They looked like big black owls, they were that big, looming over my house. And then, all together, they left, leaving the branches waving behind them.

Do You Have to Let it Linger?

I keep having dreams about my cousin. And every time I have these dreams, they feel real.
And then I wake up, confused and dissapointed. Oh, I think. Right. I don't talk to her anymore. And saying that to myself hurts.

My cousin and I are the same age, small and tiny, but we both look nothing alike. I'm pale and fair in general, my features softer, while she looks Italian with her dark hair, tan skin, and hazel eyes. But we both have curly hair. Naturally, at least. We always used to play with eachother at my grandparent's house when we were little, climbing trees and doing cartwheels across the lawn together. I can remember how much we were inseperatable when we had cookouts, when we begged our parents to have one another come home and sleep over. When I was thirteen, though, you could feel this easy friendship begin to tense up under the weight of being teenagers. I used to be jealous of my cousin, and I've always thought she was prettier than me. And she's been jealous of me because school comes easier to me in general. And then she started to change physically, cutting her hair choppy and piercing her lips with needles herself. Not that I'm steryotypical, it's not that. It's just... she's not the same quirky, hysterically funny girl anymore. She's mean, and bitter to everyone. So, trying not to get in the way of this, I've just stopped talking to her. I haven't seen her in almost a year. Really, I don't even know her anymore. Sometimes she doesn't even feel like my cousin that I loved and was best friends with for years.

... But is that bad, though?

Scream At Me Until My Ears Bleed

I've always considered myself seperate from everyone else, a sore thumb.
Q: Do you still think this now?
A: Yes and no...
...That's what I've always wanted someone to say to me. "Just tell me everything. Scream at me until my ears bleed." Basically, I just want someone to listen. I need to tell someone. And now, finally, after months of blogging about the fact that nobody understands me and the fact that I'm so different, I think someone actually does.
During this year, in one of my classes, there's this girl who's artsy and very particular about everything she says and does. And she sits next to me, so she starts to talk to me, gradually at first (Hi, bye), and then now a couple of months have passed and we've sort of become friends. I have other close friends, but this girl... she just understands me completely. It's an incredible feeling, knowing that there's someone out there besides your family that knows what makes you smile, your little quirks, and funny beta fish stories :) All my other friends are very different from me, and I know they say that opposites attract, but sometimes those differences make talking about deep things hard. My other friends aren't as deep as me. Just her.
Q: What kind of friendship do you like?
A: I love sleepovers, and telling stories under the covers, our heads hidden.I love friends that still ask you what's wrong......even when you respond, "Shut up, why bother?"
I love friends that know everything about you, even the most embarassing things that you'd never tell your mom.
I like friends that are open and honest, no worries, that tell you when something is ugly or if you're being a complete jerk. 'Cause that's just what friends should do.
I love taking walks around the neigborhood and just spilling everything to eachother, stomach in knots from laughing too hard.
That, to me, is true friendship.

Honestly, this summer was a turning point for me. I had to just deal with some tough things, by myself, and now, things have turned around completely for me.

...And now I'm screaming.

Meeting Up Again

I used to have this friend.
She used to have this wide grin that took up her whole face.
She moved awhile back
and our friendship shifted to the backburner.
Well, now she's back.
And now I'm stuck.

Blisters

My cousin has this tire swing. It's a worn-down black rubber tire so thin from years of tugging and hanging onto. Since it's been up for more than ten years, the tree branch that it's tied onto is kinda crooked and bent, hanging over us lifelessly. We used to twist it up till the rope was all bunched up, and then one of us would jump on it while the rope untwisted at what seemed like a hundred miles an hour. My cousin and I were best friends. She used to have this curly hair that was always wild and unkept, and she was always stringbean-thin, yet Coke was her heroine (and still is). But now, we don't even talk.My cousin, to say the least, got caught up with a bad crowd. We don't even say "hi" much when our families get together at Christmas. Mostly, because we're totally different. And now I feel so much younger, even while she's really younger than I am. But she doesn't even know that I miss her, and love her. I don't want to see my cousin hurt herself like this, but I don't know what to do. I can't tell her what I think, because I haven't seen her since spring, and she avoids all eye contact with me. I may say that's fine with me, but here I am, still young and innocent, left behind, rocking back and fourth on that tire swing still.

Lists

Sometimes, putting things into lists always make me feel better, knowing that everything's organized and well thought out. Even while life's well, a beautiful mess, it sometimes makes me feel better to pretend that things are organized. What I want in a friend:

1. Someone I can cry my hearts out to, and not expect them to say anything, instead only nod and hug me back.

2. To laugh with her so hard I can't breathe.

3. Someone who is okay with silence sometimes.
4. Someone who's not a mean girl.

5. Somebody who doesn't judge by appearence.

6. A girl who I can spill everything to.

7. The kind of girl that'd rock their Converses with me at prom, even in our girly girl dresses.

8. Someone who considers sarcasm another language that they're fluent in (just like me :)).

9. Who's not a cookie-cutter type of girl- and is okay with that.

10. Someone who loves to take walks and talk on the trampoline.

11. The kind of girl that makes time fly.

12. A girl who's a girl-version of Ducky from Pretty in Pink.

What I want in a guy:

1. Someone who's also my friend.

2. The kind of guy that'll give me his sweatshirt to wear.

3. The kind of guy who knows that he's not my number one priority, and I have a life besides him (doesn't that sound harsh? Whoops...).

4. He's not going to be mean to my friends and other people.

5. A guy who doesn't care about my looks, and will offer me an Oatmeal Cream Pie, even while other guys won't feed it to their girlfriends cause it's "fatening". Yeah, see how that goes.

6. Not to care about physical looks, but I would love to have a dark-haired boyfriend with pale eyes.

7. Someone that will treat me like a friend, not just a girl. You know what I mean.

What I want on my bucket list:

1. Color my hair purple or anything else colorful.

2. Travel Europe. Didn't see that coming, huh?...

3. Publish a novel.
4. Create my own line of clothing.

5. Meet someone worth remembering.

6. Hug Billie Joe (slim chance of this one. Like, .00001%)

7. Own a house on the ocean with a cat as my companion.

8. Own a bunny.

9. Eat a whole pack of bubble tape in one sitting. I've wanted to do this since I was seven :D

10. Marry my best friend... when I find him.

11. Knit a bag.

12. Design my dream house.

13. and whatever else comes my way

Just A World Away

We're two worlds away, yet I can still relate to you. Maybe...
we're not that different than I thought we were.
"Knowledge cannot replace friendship. I'd rather be an idiot than loose you." ~ Patrick and SpongeBob in SpongeBob SquarePants