Count?

Last night, I had a dream I was watching these two guys out my window. I was automatically intrigued in them, the way they walked, their smiles, the way they were walking right past my house. Normally (as in, being awake), I would have just watched them go, and then be done with it. But instead, in this dream, I ran outside and across the yard to meet both of them. I remember my heartbeat in my chest, rough. I remember feeling unbeleviably happy to see them. And I remember embracing them, and then walking along with them.
Now, why can't I be like that in real life? The one that counts.

When Life Begins for You

You know, I really hate vacation weeks. Weekends are different. On the weekend, your parents have it off, too, so you can actually go places (to those who can't drive yet, like me). I'd even settle for the grocery store right now. Or the bank. I just need to get out of the house.
I just do not like routine things (although getting out of them can be a transition, if that makes sense). I change my routine a lot, and I don't like change, but want it, and need it, or I'll go insane. I can't explain it. Like, I don't know how people can just do the same thing day in and day out. I mean, instead of going to the store in the morning that you always go to, why not change it and listen to music and sing and dance while doing the dishes, or folding the laundry, then go to a different store instead of the same one every time? You know? I mean, change is good for you. And seriously, there might be something better than what you already have. I always tell myself this.
Like yesterday, my mom had planned to do errands, so I went with her, but instead got pulled to the little shops in town. We basically just walked around in the bright sunny morning and spent some money on ourselves (and told nobody else!). We went to Barnes & Nobles, and took pictures with our cell phones of funny pictures in the books, sending them to my brother. It was nice.
Speaking of getting out of routine, I just filled up my schedule with two art classes and dropped two studies. I know, I know. Most people would kill for a study, but I don't know. Ever since art ended last semester, I've been restless and frustrated, feeling like I did nothing all day. So, what the heck. I got rid of my studies, and only have one now every other day. But I think it's worth it. And besides, my new friend is in the class, and she let me sit at her table with two other girls, filling me in on everything (because I came into the class late). The other girl is super nice, so I think it's a good thing that I chose art.
I just might find something better. And also, which would you rather have?:
a) No homework, but nothing to do
b) Homework, but knowing you just had a day filled with art and friends
You decide.

It's So She Can Fly

I need to do something. I need to do something out of the ordinary. Something unlike me, or maybe, even something true to me instead of what I've been doing, which is nothing. I've been hiding, I've been crying, I haven't been living. I've been a pathetic mumbling mess complaining about the crap in my head even when my life is fine.
I want to take a midnight walk in the woods by myself and stare up at the wickedly ghostly trees overhead.
I want to do nothing but work outside for a whole day, and get that achy feeling at the end of it all, smiling to myself.
I want to take a risk.
I want clockwork to stop controlling me! Just because summer's gonna end, doesn't mean that all hope has to, too.
I want to smile and laugh and stop posting despressing posts.

I want to live.

Everyone sets these plans for themselves at the beginning of the summer, a list of what they want to accomplish and get done or start, and most of it never happens the way things were intended to. Plans change, people change. I'd say that I've changed in a way over the summer. I know I have, yet I still can't identify a specific day or week when it all changed. But I know I did.
I'm a work in progress. We all are, and always will be.

"I don't get it", Caroline said, bemused. "She's the only one with wings. Why is that?" There were so many questions in life. You couldn't ever have all the answers. But I knew this one. "It's so she can fly", I said. And then I started to run." ~ Macy in The Truth About Forever, p. 368