Then and Now

I write down things that happen everyday. Not like a diary, just a list of what I did, what I thought was funny, etc. And you know what?Someday I'll be wondering what I used to do when I was a teenager, how I thought. Someday I might want to tell people how my story went, day by day. Maybe someone will find all these journals I keep, and look back and be spooked. Or maybe, just maybe, they'll find an answer. It's wierd, I love writing so much, and it's like me writing down my -our, as in, my family's- story everyday.And then, I know, I'll always be known to everyone.

So far, I've been recording my life since August of 2009. Sometimes I wonder, what was I doing on this day excactly a year ago? And now I can look, and I swear, it gives me the chills. My stories dance among the pages wildly at night, and sometimes the memories take me by storm, flooding over me and Now.

Forever

I'm almost finished with my story, and it's kinda scaring me. I mean, what will I do with myself when it's all over, everything written our for me to look at and see? I love all my characters like the sisters I've never had, and just loosing them all is terrifying, leaving their stories undone, hanging in suspense. Forever. I know that I'm not going to actually loose them, but... what if I need to add something when it's all over?
I've always been the kind of girl that feels like my identity is uncertain. Like my first post, titled, Who Am I? I used to ask myself that all the time. And I still sometimes do, because like Francesca says, we're always growing, always changing. Forever is not etched in stone. Forever is forever changing, always taking on a new identity.
I'll miss my friends that I've grown with, though.

Do You Have to Let it Linger?

I keep having dreams about my cousin. And every time I have these dreams, they feel real.
And then I wake up, confused and dissapointed. Oh, I think. Right. I don't talk to her anymore. And saying that to myself hurts.

My cousin and I are the same age, small and tiny, but we both look nothing alike. I'm pale and fair in general, my features softer, while she looks Italian with her dark hair, tan skin, and hazel eyes. But we both have curly hair. Naturally, at least. We always used to play with eachother at my grandparent's house when we were little, climbing trees and doing cartwheels across the lawn together. I can remember how much we were inseperatable when we had cookouts, when we begged our parents to have one another come home and sleep over. When I was thirteen, though, you could feel this easy friendship begin to tense up under the weight of being teenagers. I used to be jealous of my cousin, and I've always thought she was prettier than me. And she's been jealous of me because school comes easier to me in general. And then she started to change physically, cutting her hair choppy and piercing her lips with needles herself. Not that I'm steryotypical, it's not that. It's just... she's not the same quirky, hysterically funny girl anymore. She's mean, and bitter to everyone. So, trying not to get in the way of this, I've just stopped talking to her. I haven't seen her in almost a year. Really, I don't even know her anymore. Sometimes she doesn't even feel like my cousin that I loved and was best friends with for years.

... But is that bad, though?

Scream At Me Until My Ears Bleed

I've always considered myself seperate from everyone else, a sore thumb.
Q: Do you still think this now?
A: Yes and no...
...That's what I've always wanted someone to say to me. "Just tell me everything. Scream at me until my ears bleed." Basically, I just want someone to listen. I need to tell someone. And now, finally, after months of blogging about the fact that nobody understands me and the fact that I'm so different, I think someone actually does.
During this year, in one of my classes, there's this girl who's artsy and very particular about everything she says and does. And she sits next to me, so she starts to talk to me, gradually at first (Hi, bye), and then now a couple of months have passed and we've sort of become friends. I have other close friends, but this girl... she just understands me completely. It's an incredible feeling, knowing that there's someone out there besides your family that knows what makes you smile, your little quirks, and funny beta fish stories :) All my other friends are very different from me, and I know they say that opposites attract, but sometimes those differences make talking about deep things hard. My other friends aren't as deep as me. Just her.
Q: What kind of friendship do you like?
A: I love sleepovers, and telling stories under the covers, our heads hidden.I love friends that still ask you what's wrong......even when you respond, "Shut up, why bother?"
I love friends that know everything about you, even the most embarassing things that you'd never tell your mom.
I like friends that are open and honest, no worries, that tell you when something is ugly or if you're being a complete jerk. 'Cause that's just what friends should do.
I love taking walks around the neigborhood and just spilling everything to eachother, stomach in knots from laughing too hard.
That, to me, is true friendship.

Honestly, this summer was a turning point for me. I had to just deal with some tough things, by myself, and now, things have turned around completely for me.

...And now I'm screaming.

Whoa

Sometimes I look in the mirror and just shock myself. I wonder who is that girl looking back at me? Sometimes I disgust myself, other times I don't . It all depends on what day you ask me. It shocks me to see the changes in my face, the sharpness of my cheekbones that I don't remember being there a year or two ago. Or the fact that every winter, my freckles fade more and more, and now I have to squint to really see them. I'm changing. And I'm not sure if I'm okay with it.

Meeting Up Again

I used to have this friend.
She used to have this wide grin that took up her whole face.
She moved awhile back
and our friendship shifted to the backburner.
Well, now she's back.
And now I'm stuck.

Blisters

My cousin has this tire swing. It's a worn-down black rubber tire so thin from years of tugging and hanging onto. Since it's been up for more than ten years, the tree branch that it's tied onto is kinda crooked and bent, hanging over us lifelessly. We used to twist it up till the rope was all bunched up, and then one of us would jump on it while the rope untwisted at what seemed like a hundred miles an hour. My cousin and I were best friends. She used to have this curly hair that was always wild and unkept, and she was always stringbean-thin, yet Coke was her heroine (and still is). But now, we don't even talk.My cousin, to say the least, got caught up with a bad crowd. We don't even say "hi" much when our families get together at Christmas. Mostly, because we're totally different. And now I feel so much younger, even while she's really younger than I am. But she doesn't even know that I miss her, and love her. I don't want to see my cousin hurt herself like this, but I don't know what to do. I can't tell her what I think, because I haven't seen her since spring, and she avoids all eye contact with me. I may say that's fine with me, but here I am, still young and innocent, left behind, rocking back and fourth on that tire swing still.

Dandelion Dreams

Kiss her g'night,
Tuck her in,
Leave the door open a crack
The way you know she likes it.
Shake your head,
Wonder why
The seeds shall fly
Shall fly away.
To distant lands.

We rock the coast
And pass it by,
While deep deep down
You wonder why
The seeds shall fly
Shall fly away.
To this distant land.

Coloring
On our walls
With a look of glee
And then a shriek.
Kids, you mumble,
Even though
You wonder why
The seeds shall fly
Shall fly away.
Away.

Painting makeup
On her face,
You instruct her
To sit a bit still,
Even through the butterflies.
She used to hate him
And now it's different;
She's got new eyes,
Some vivid eyes.
You now know why
The seeds shall fly
Shall fly away.

Now it's different
The tides have changed
She kisses you g'night
Just like she's been smiled at
All those times
So long ago.
Mama, she's saying
Please don't leave me.
Don't let me go.
But I know.
The seeds shall fly
Shall fly away.

The tides have changed,
The wind stronger some,
But I now know
I'll stay planted
Here forever
Even though
The ground's swept
From below us.

I turn around and he's standing in the middle of the hall, smiling at me, but I can't think of anything to say. We stay like that for a minute until he inclines his head and goes where he's going and I'm alone, like I've wanted forever, except that's not really true because mom's waiting for me outside and there's a shrink waiting for me in the city and there's nothing I can do about the past.
- Parker in Cracked Up to Be by Courtney Summers, p. 214

Guess I've waited too long for me to allow you to come up and sweep me into your arms like you always said you wanted to, huh? You used to let me wear your sweatshirt over my own in the rain, even when all you had underneath was a tee shirt. You let me keep your gloves, which I still sometimes drag out from the basement where we keep the winter stuff and press my nose to them, making me feel things again like I used to. I can still feel your hands around my waist as we moved around the yard dancing like complete idiots together in the freezing cold, my teeth chattering in happiness. I remember walking through the woods, even when my mom had no clue where I was. I remember whenever I was sad, you'd crouch down next to me and lean into my face, whispering something totally stupid into my ear that would make me crack up laughing. I remember the conversations in my front yard after school that were endless and the words would roll off my tongue with ease. I still know the nickname you gave me, even when you think I don't. I remember all those times you asked me out, and even while I was screaming yes inside, I'd always say no.
Why why why why why why why not?
You're the only guy that's ever given me the time of day, and now I don't even trust my girlfriends to tell my secrets to.
I miss you so much, trying to be content with the memories of when I was truly, fully happy.

It's My Life

I've recently decided to give up my music lessons. It's not that I hate them, I'm just more interested in other things now, like writing and painting. Sometimes in order to live to the fullest, you have to give up things that have been apart of you for years. Right? You never know if it's the right thing to do until you actually do it and risk it all. So that's what I'm gonna do. I'm quiting.
What boils my blood is the fact that my family says I shouldn't, and I should keep taking lessons, as always, as usual. But here's the thing: I don't want to keep taking lessons that I dread every week, or perform twice a year. I'm not like the other girls there who wear wooden clogs and long braids (not trying to steryotype). I'm in there with my banged-up sneakers and skinny jeans, feeling like a sore thumb among all of the other girls who give me dirty looks when they pass. So why not try something else? Why is such a problem to everyone else that I'm trying to be happy and just me?
Everyone else thinks they can tell me what to do, but again, it's my life, always has been. It's not for everyone else to yank around and fit into their lives. My mom's okay with it, but everyone else just doesn't get it.
I'm going to do what's best for me, not for them.

I'm Okay

I got tagged by Amy (A Tree Grows) to do a four things activity. Okay, here goes nothing...

Four Things in My Bag:

1. Purple and black pens

2. Stretchy book covers with tons of holes in them

3. Lavender lotion

4. Burts Beeswax chapstick

Four Things in My Purse:

Actually, I don't have a purse.

Four Things in My Room:

1. Old porcelean dolls in my closet

2. My laptop

3. Nail polish

4. Cutout drawings that I've been making faster than my brain can think of them :)

Four Things I've Always Wanted to Do:

1. Write and publish a book

2. Raid a yardsale of all the good stuff

3. Travel to Europe (typical, yes)

4. Take a midnight walk that only I would ever know about

Four Things I'm Currently Into:

1. Painting and cutouts, since I'm an art junkie at heart

2. Flats

3. Peanut butter

4. Living in the moment so I can stop thinking so much!

Four Things I Bet You Didn't Know About Me:

1. I hate movies

2. I can't think of anything else!
Four Songs I Can't Get Out of My Head:

1. Welcome to Paradise by Green Day

2. Paparattzi (and I don't even like the song) by Lady Gaga

3. I don't know the name of the song, but it goes, "Dream, dream, dream, dream!"

4. Spiderwebs by No Doubt

I'm tagging Joy (Life of Joy.), audrey. (emotions explode), and xoxo, Hannah (Perfection.). Sorry, I don't know how to add a link with people's names, so I have to do it by their blog titles. Since I don't really have much else to say, I'll post some pictures that I love:

I love the flats and legwarmers combo. Maybe I'll try that this year... are legwarmers considered tacky or slightly vintage? Does anyone know?

This picture inspires me to write something, anything that has some meaning and depth. So maybe I will...

My puzzle may be scattered everywhere, stray pieces attempting to find their way again, but I've decided that it's okay. I'm okay. I've been trying so long to put together myself, the stew of my puzzle, but now I've realized that I am never going to be complete, perfectly knowing all, because life is always throwing something at me, just another piece to my flawlessly chaotic jigsaw puzzle pile. Instead of trying to pick up the pieces and go home, I'm letting them lie there, gathering dust so I can get a better look at things and examine them, looking at them in ways I never imagined real. I guess this is me being me, changing a little everyday, always becoming something different.

And it's all going to be okay.

...Well, I guess I really did have something to say, huh?

It's So She Can Fly

I need to do something. I need to do something out of the ordinary. Something unlike me, or maybe, even something true to me instead of what I've been doing, which is nothing. I've been hiding, I've been crying, I haven't been living. I've been a pathetic mumbling mess complaining about the crap in my head even when my life is fine.
I want to take a midnight walk in the woods by myself and stare up at the wickedly ghostly trees overhead.
I want to do nothing but work outside for a whole day, and get that achy feeling at the end of it all, smiling to myself.
I want to take a risk.
I want clockwork to stop controlling me! Just because summer's gonna end, doesn't mean that all hope has to, too.
I want to smile and laugh and stop posting despressing posts.

I want to live.

Everyone sets these plans for themselves at the beginning of the summer, a list of what they want to accomplish and get done or start, and most of it never happens the way things were intended to. Plans change, people change. I'd say that I've changed in a way over the summer. I know I have, yet I still can't identify a specific day or week when it all changed. But I know I did.
I'm a work in progress. We all are, and always will be.

"I don't get it", Caroline said, bemused. "She's the only one with wings. Why is that?" There were so many questions in life. You couldn't ever have all the answers. But I knew this one. "It's so she can fly", I said. And then I started to run." ~ Macy in The Truth About Forever, p. 368

Blink

Max: Did you make this?

Carol: Yeah, yeah.

Max: It's very good.

Carol: We were gonna make a whole world like this. Now, everyone used to come here, but you know... you know what it feels like when all your teeth are falling out really slowly and you don't realize and then you notice that, well, they're really far apart. And then one day... you don't have any teeth anymore.

Max: Yeah.

Carol: Well, it was like that.

- Where the Wild Things Are, the movie version

Blink, and you'll miss it all.

Pack Up and Go

I have exactly three and a half days left of school. I've been just trying to hold on, trying to study, trying to clean everything out.
I can't wait to get out of school, but in a way, I'm going to miss what I've gone through this year. At the begining of the year, I wanted to be preppy and grow my bangs out to my cheek. My top Christmas wish was to get Uggs (which I did). During late fall and winter, all I did was listen to Green Day every day and mope around the house. In the winter, I wanted to be punk. In the early year, I loved my shoulder length hair that was always so silky soft and shiny, as well as Hayley Williams-ish. Now, I somewhat like my curly hair. Punk and vintage is cool to me. I want Vans next year. I am obsessed with Grunge music. I love Celtic necklaces and owl necklaces. I've changed so much this year. Who am I, really?...
Top things I'll miss from each of the following classes:
Art: the two Seniors a table over from me that always have something funny to say, listening to other people's gossip, while I paint :)
English: this is wierd, the the click-clacking of my teacher's heeled shoes
French: my teacher in general, she's so nice!
History: the fact that whenever we're doing our work, our teacher blasts awesome punk/ grunge music
Gym: hm, not much, but if I AM being positive, I'd have to say walking down in the field where the baseball field is
Math: the smell of the classroom. it always smells like fresh-cut grass and clean cotton
Science: whenever my teacher gets into one of his "Well, scientifically speaking..." discussions
Besides me complaining, it's been a good year. Somewhat.
I love this picture, by the way...

I love all the owls in this picture (my favorite one is the one with the yellow book)! So vintage, so me...