Friday, January 14, 2011

Do You Have to Let it Linger?

I keep having dreams about my cousin. And every time I have these dreams, they feel real.
And then I wake up, confused and dissapointed. Oh, I think. Right. I don't talk to her anymore. And saying that to myself hurts.

My cousin and I are the same age, small and tiny, but we both look nothing alike. I'm pale and fair in general, my features softer, while she looks Italian with her dark hair, tan skin, and hazel eyes. But we both have curly hair. Naturally, at least. We always used to play with eachother at my grandparent's house when we were little, climbing trees and doing cartwheels across the lawn together. I can remember how much we were inseperatable when we had cookouts, when we begged our parents to have one another come home and sleep over. When I was thirteen, though, you could feel this easy friendship begin to tense up under the weight of being teenagers. I used to be jealous of my cousin, and I've always thought she was prettier than me. And she's been jealous of me because school comes easier to me in general. And then she started to change physically, cutting her hair choppy and piercing her lips with needles herself. Not that I'm steryotypical, it's not that. It's just... she's not the same quirky, hysterically funny girl anymore. She's mean, and bitter to everyone. So, trying not to get in the way of this, I've just stopped talking to her. I haven't seen her in almost a year. Really, I don't even know her anymore. Sometimes she doesn't even feel like my cousin that I loved and was best friends with for years.

... But is that bad, though?


  1. My cousin and sister went through the same thing and its very sad. I know... I actually just went through the same thing with that cousin for multiple reasons. It broke my heart, we're distant now and don't really see each other.

  2. That's awful. Losing a friendship like that, well, its just sad. But you both made your choices. You can only look forward now. :)
    I'm sorry.

  3. i envy one of my cousins in particular...he's just such a better actor then me, he IS really good. one of my cousins shaddows me, and i think, since we're both growing up, that soon she'll find her own identity. she's trying to be just like me, but she's realising that she's got a good personality too. she's more athletic and she loves school, and i'm more rebelious and weirdly-popular. i love her, and i'm glad that she's finding her own person.

  4. There's somewhere in between not talking and being best friends. Sometimes people have to change who they are in order to figure something out, so don't push her to change who she is right now, even if it doesn't seem like the person she really is. Try calling her, even if it seems like it would be really awkward, or chat her on facebook if you both have an account. And if I were you, I wouldn't go straight to talking to her about this until you've mended your friendship a little bit. And if she pushes you away, let it be. Because the best thing is that she at least knows you're there if she ever wants to talk to you.

  5. I'm sorry for you, I have the same. My cousin is mean and not herself als because of a loverboy. It really hurts because we were best friends. But life is never easy! Keep it up girl :)

  6. Hi Jade!

    As I finished reading this post, I'd like say something that doesn't start with "I'm sorry", but I guess it doesn't always work that way does it? So I guess I will say it now, I am sorry for your loss of friendship.

    It's not easy when a friendship drifts apart, and then completely fractures. As people grow up, they change. whether it's for the better or for worse, eventually someone is going realize that perhaps the change might end up triggering something that can create a new change, and things can slowly start to repair. If not, at least you knew that you tried. It's not always easy.

    I've been through this before (it was my fault that things broke) and it was excruciating but worth it in the end. I'm not one to give out good advice, but all I can say is, whatever you feel like doing, you should do it. Perhaps follow what everyone above me said. I'd like not to bring age into this, but as I am older, I do know a little bit about this, so I wanted to comment.

    Sorry if this is so long. And I'm sorry if I haven't been commenting lately. Blogger isn't showing all my updates.

    I hope you start feeling better!

    Take care,

  7. I just found your blog and it is really cool! I could relate to you. I had that same exact experience with one of my cousins. She and I were really good friends and now its as if we are strangers. We don't even call ourselves cousins anymore. She turned into someone I never thought she would turn into. It breaks my heart that we hardly know each other now. I am a new follower now and I hope you will look at my blog when you get a chance! Feel better!

  8. I'm so sorry for you. Losing a friend is one of the worst things in a teenager live. I lost my best friend last year and it felt afwul. Hope you're allright (: xx