Monday, February 28, 2011
Because, really, adults must be blind. It's all about how someone looks, or talks, or dresses. We all take at least five seconds to make a judgement, just by habit, and most of the time, I'm always wrong. Because the girl in class that sits in front of me is the sweetest girl you'd ever meet, not materialistic, and stuck-up, like people think. Or what I automatically thought.
A girl in my class with a wreckless, rocker attitude is really just missunderstood, and that her parents aren't the greatest ones out there.
The girl with the big smile and good grades? She's just nasty, insulting people behind their backs and desperately trying to rebel against her mom (cliche, anyone?)
Another one, all cheery and happy, really has to put a mask on, because her parents are going through an ugly divorce that's just tearing her apart.
A girl down the street from me, is sweet as vomit, and has a truly ugly inside as well.
And that guy that smiles at me? He's just angry, but can't let it out.
It's all a lie, that if you look good and approachable, then you are. Because that's not true. Maybe those "punks" have to deal with something else entirely behind closed doors, that nobody could ever have thought of, or known. First impressions aren't always true.
Not even close.
Friday, February 25, 2011
So far, I've been recording my life since August of 2009. Sometimes I wonder, what was I doing on this day excactly a year ago? And now I can look, and I swear, it gives me the chills. My stories dance among the pages wildly at night, and sometimes the memories take me by storm, flooding over me and Now.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
When I start to want wearing yellows and greens and pinks, and I find myself dressing up in summer clothes just for fun in the mirror, that's when I want spring to come. My neighborhood is big into get-togethers and cookouts, and everyone knows everybody, good and bad, and sometimes it's just fun to see everyone. I just miss taking walks around the block, and lake breezes and wind chimes. Out of all the things in spring, I think it's the wind chimes that steal me over. Because it's like sweet music clanking together, so delicate but loud at the same time. I also like the little lime green leaves that pop in contrast to a bright blue sky. Winter has been too quiet, too cold, and too vast and lonely. I need warmth. Wind chimes, can't you play your little song for me? Just once?
Monday, February 21, 2011
I just do not like routine things (although getting out of them can be a transition, if that makes sense). I change my routine a lot, and I don't like change, but want it, and need it, or I'll go insane. I can't explain it. Like, I don't know how people can just do the same thing day in and day out. I mean, instead of going to the store in the morning that you always go to, why not change it and listen to music and sing and dance while doing the dishes, or folding the laundry, then go to a different store instead of the same one every time? You know? I mean, change is good for you. And seriously, there might be something better than what you already have. I always tell myself this.
Like yesterday, my mom had planned to do errands, so I went with her, but instead got pulled to the little shops in town. We basically just walked around in the bright sunny morning and spent some money on ourselves (and told nobody else!). We went to Barnes & Nobles, and took pictures with our cell phones of funny pictures in the books, sending them to my brother. It was nice.
Speaking of getting out of routine, I just filled up my schedule with two art classes and dropped two studies. I know, I know. Most people would kill for a study, but I don't know. Ever since art ended last semester, I've been restless and frustrated, feeling like I did nothing all day. So, what the heck. I got rid of my studies, and only have one now every other day. But I think it's worth it. And besides, my new friend is in the class, and she let me sit at her table with two other girls, filling me in on everything (because I came into the class late). The other girl is super nice, so I think it's a good thing that I chose art.
I just might find something better. And also, which would you rather have?:
a) No homework, but nothing to do
b) Homework, but knowing you just had a day filled with art and friends
Friday, February 18, 2011
When I got home, it felt actually nice out, so I sat on the porch and just closed my eyes, pretending that I was actually sitting on the beach, and not at my house with the snow still on the ground. And then, after that, I went in and... I don't know. I felt pulled in two directions, with this decision that I had to make that second. I'm not great at split-second thinking, and I constantly go back and forth with what I might want, so this automatically overwhelmed me. Then, he came over, and I just felt mortified, as I stood there, practically crying. I was yelled at, and then when everyone left, I just sat on the porch in silence, staring straight ahead.
But after that, something pulled me to coming back inside. I dunno, call it a gut feeling, but my little kitten was at the door, waiting for me. Like she just knew.
So... I picked her up (her automatically purring, her warm body vibrating against my chest) and took her into my room, to sit down and play with her. I put my decoration pillows on the floor and piled them up like big towers, and lifted up my comforter so she could explore inside it. All the while she kept nuzzling me and following me around. I'm a huge softy when it comes to animals, so she just put me in a better mood.
I love cats. They just look so lithe, and lanky, and elegant.
So, what do you think? Overall, it felt okay, this day. But now I'll stop talking about it. I don't want to miss another second of the still-light, ocean-feeling day.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Lots of people celebrate 100th posts in lots of different ways. Some say it flat out: Happy 100th post! Others make lists. Or post pictures. Well, along the population of lots of different people, I have my own method of story telling. Lyrics. Lyrics that I wish I could wear around my neck, or gush about, or tattoo on my wrists. I'm a sucker for symbolic things, and these bits and pieces of amazing songs are symbolic to me, and who I am. Thanks for listening :)
You can never ever leave
Without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed."
~ The Smashing Pumpkins in Tonight
Fate is like a snowflake. It is never the same each time around, yet it is always fragile and impossibly, painfully delicate and beautiful. However, when you try to touch it, reach out for it, not because you deserve it, but because you want it, you cannot have it. Forever changed, it's gone. "An old mother dies
Fall to the floor
The angel closes her eyes,
The confusion that was hers
To the baby down the hall."
~ Pearl Jam in I Can Feel it Coming Back Again
By fate, I was given a strong-willed mother, with us as her only intentions to protect, and love. By fate, my father is subsiding, easy to persuade, intense, his love as fierce as an earthquake. This, is what I am made up of, I can feel it in my molecules. I believe that there is a reason to everything, and that everything is important, no matter how small. I was given all those names for a reason. Because... I am me."Flaxin hair blown out in the breeze
It is time for the geese to head south
I have come with my mustard seed
I cannot accept that she will be taken from me."
~ Tori Amos in The Beekeeper
My young, strong mother made a shelter, and kept us safe from the lightening above. And the monsters. But soon, I lost trust in everyone, and they were all mosters. Until...
...I met a boy with a kind face and dancing eyes one fatefull day, a day that could have gone any way, and never before have I met wild blue eyes that dance. But now I believe all those people that claim that they do exist.
"There's a sign on the wall
But she wants to be sure
'Cause you know
Sometimes words have
~ Led Zeppelin in Stairway to Heaven
Exhaustion, pulsing through my veins. There's a slight warm feeling to it, slightly static, soaring through my fingertips. Heavy eyelids, slackened shoulders. Being able to allow myself to dream without thinking. That, my friend, is incredible, something that I now can appreciate everyday. No longer isomnic, I sleep through nights that would normally leave me shreiking and shivering inside.
All because of two people.
"Can you feel it, see it, hear it today?
If you can't, it doesn't matter anyway
You will never understand it
'Cause it happens too fast
And it feels so good, it's like walking on glass."
~ Faith No More in EpicYou showed me beauty, you showed me hatred. But somehow, within all of that, I found something even more beautiful. Memories.
"Some call it slums
Some call it nice
I wanna take you through a wasteland
I like to call my home
Welcome to paradise."
~ Green Day in Welcome to Paradise"Dreaming's just another word for
Nothing left to loose."
~ Janis Joplin in (I don't know the title of the song, sorry!)
When you're in dreamland, there are no boundaries. Only miles of ocean to search in, digging, stripping off all the secrets that I've known as shelter. All my secrets are out, and I'm just simply picking up the pieces.
"So take the photographs
and still frames in your mind,
Hnag them on a shelf in good health
And good time,
Tattoos and memories and
Dead skin on trial,
For what it's worth, it was
Worth all the while."
~ Green Day in Good Riddance
You know what? It hurts to be left, to be pushed aside, to decieve, to persuade otherwise. But it also hurts even more to have fate slip me a pass, give me a second chance, only to be hurt again. Sometimes, though, trust brings you great things, people you could never imagine living without. That's what happened to me. Thank you.
"Your head is humming
And it won't let go
In case you don't know
The piper's calling you to
~ Led Zeppelin in Stairway to Heaven
Who's amazed me:
"You write amazing Jade, you will make your mark." ~ Joy
"...I think, though, that some people, may confuse this with a diary blog, but those people, would be wrong. It's not a diary blog at all! It's an artistic expression, and that's why I like it." ~ Sophia
"I love how you always share small pieces of your life. It leaves me having to put them together like a puzzle, trying to figure you out." ~ Francesca
"...And I love how you just did that. How you just described that so cooly. You do know you'd be the most amazing writer someday, right?" ~ Cassidy
"I wish a lot more girls would realize this, because maybe... just maybe things would be different." ~ Talia
"I love this poem!! It makes the word "aurora" sound like rainwater seeping through the insulation in your house... I like it!" ~ That Blond Guy
"Don't change yourself for anyone else. Just be you. Do what you think is right." ~ Anonymous
"Wow, to think one little tree inspired another amazing post. Thank you, TREE!" ~ xoxo, Hannah.
"Your blog is always a good place to come if I want a little piece of insight on something... you have this special way of seeing everything. Not just seeing it, but really seeing it." ~ Francesca
Honestly, there are so many incredible things to say, so many great things to post. But that would take an eternity to write, and to read. But I will say this: thank you so much for giving me the will power to write all of this. This is for you guys :) You're my inspiration.
Fate is indeed magic.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
I knew I was going to be a writer."
~ S. E. Hinton
She is my role model, along with J. K. Rowling. While J. K. Rowling shows the world that you can come from nothing and be one of the most influential people out there, S. E. Hinton really makes her mark as one of the greatest teenage writers of her time. It's crazy; one day, she was angry and started writing a short story about a boy that gets beat up by "nice and popular" kids on his way home from the movies. At age fifteen. On the day of her graduation, she got her publishing contract. That's insane. And I want to be just that.
I want to make my mark.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
It's like liquid, my mind. Jargon floating throughout my head, swirling through everything. There are no exceptions, no borderlines etched in stone to where my thoughts stop. They keep coming, pounding through my head, coursing through my eyelids and arms and legs and hands. And then, one thing -a scratch on the wood floors, a thud against a box- and it's gone. My eyes are vivid now, and my dreams are pooling at the bottoms of my subconsious for good, until we meet again.
My dreams are always with me, and I can't stop thinking about them. They're so beautiful. I never want to forget.
7 Things I Bet You Didn't Know About Me
Friday, February 4, 2011
But I have two left feet, slow reflexes, and hands that stay firmly at my sides in protest against anything risky.
She runs gym class.
She acts like it's a second skin for her, walking around like she knows exactly what she's doing.
She doesn't blush, or cringe.
Or stay planted in one spot, too paralyzed to take a risk.
She tells people how she feels.
What she thinks.
What your place is.
And I hate her for that.
But then I think about who I'd like to be in this world, and who went against all odds and the accepted mold of society ...Green Day, The Grateful Dead, Lady Gaga, to name a few... and then I can't help but smile.
She doesn't have a funky haircut.
Or enough will not to let jealousy taint her voice.
She can't write.
Or sing along to punk rock.
Or quote Led Zeppelin.
Or think as deeply as me.
I am not Sydney Carton (from A Tale of Two Cities).
I'm someone in my own shoes, proudly wearing them on my feet.
And flaunting them.
I can't help but look at her head-on, knowing something that nobody else does.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Funny, that's what his face looks like when he laughs. He bends his head low and close to mine. I'm not nervous around him like other people. I can tell him more than a lot of people, and not just on a sappy love scale. I miss this, and yesterday, I was in tears because of it, just crying in my bed. He wasn't -isn't- just someone I happen to love. He used to be my friend.
Bite my lip, close my eyes, inhale, exhale everything I've been holding back.