Today, I woke up with this ache in the side of my head. No, my ear to be exact. It's the kind of pain that feels like someone's twisting a pen or something sharp inside your ear, and it's still killing me as I write this. I walk into school today, and the one thing that I've wondered about but never wanted to think was true happened to me.
I saw him. With his arm wrapped around a girl's shoulder. And he was smiling, leading her through the crowds of people around us.
At first, my stomach just lurched foward and twisted into something rearing and ugly, making me feel like I was about to throw up. Or cry. Or both. It was one of those surreal moments that slows the world around you down for just a split second as you realize what's happening. It was one of those moments that makes me want to be swallowed into the floor below me, or to shrivel up into a dry raison and be stepped on, where nobody can see me. It was one of those moments that makes you wonder What does my face look like right now? It was awful. And then I heard his voice, that same velvety calm voice that I knew so well, the one that I replayed in my head all day just to comfort myself when missing him got ugly and pathetic. He said, as if he was laughing at how stinking cute she was. "Megan", he said, wrapping his arm tighter around her skinny frame again, leaving me there with the sensation as if I had been slapped across the face. I wanted to claw her eyes out, to be completely honest. I'll admit it. The only thing I wanted to do was drop everything there and just run. Run away from here, from everyone, where I could just scream and tug at my locks of hair in frustration.
The next class, I got back a quiz I had taken earlier this week. 12. I got an F on something I'd studied forever on. All I could do to keep sane at that moment was bow my head and blink slowly to avoid crying in front of all these kids around me, and my boring history teacher that knew nothing about me. Now, that ear pain was ringing.
But now, at this moment in time, I'm okay.
I keep thinking back to what I liked about him so much, and then I think quietly to myself You like the eighth grade boy still. In your mind, you love him from when he was in eighth grade. And now he's a Freshman. You. Need. To. Move. On. I've come to realize that I liked him when he was still a boy. I love him in my memories. It's such a confusing thing, liking someone. And then I ask myself Why do you like someone that makes you feel the pain?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know. Really.
It still hurts.
But you know what?
I'm gonna live through this.