Monday, December 27, 2010

Growing Up (?)

This year I started out with my hair short and choppy. I was pretty sick all the time, my face pale, my insides nasty and crappy-feeling. I was angry, got intruduced to Brain Stew, and hated school. I despised anyone else who was happy, and wished that I could crawl into a cave (or, under my covers). I wanted to be someone else, someone new, reinvented, unlike any other costume I've ever tried on before. Angrily, screaming out my rage in silence, I typed up some of the best bits and pieces of my novel that still keep me awe-struck...

I couldn't move, couldn't go outside much, the sun hurt my dark winter eyes still too much. God, I want my hair grown OUT! I was still thawing out, still sick and tired. In gym, I continued to trudge along, behind the fence and into the baseball courts, where I round the bases, and sometimes, let a smile escape from inside of me. I discovered the potential outside forces held, and my love for Led Zeppelin (the band that makes me most happy). Gradually, I finally began to warm up again.

Let me out!, is what I have begun to live by. Restless, I began to see the potential everything has, which began to rupture some old memories that are still raw to this day. I want them back. Back. But I can't. I can only move foward. I hurt some people, yelled, screamed into pillows to get some of my built-up rage out of me, drying up and beginning to start over. You know the drill. This summer, I've spilled my heart out to this little blogging world of mine, the people I trust the most with some things. Chamomile isn't going to help this longing, heavy heart I have inside me. Only moving on can do this. And acceptance. My word of the season...

This was a turning point for me. I grew my hair out some, found a great new friend, chased after what I have wanted, took some risks, met an artist, learned to ignore what others want from you. I traveled to the country to wind around back roads, got a new fuzzy friend :), and learned that keeping close, getting close to someone isn't a bad thing. Not a bad thing at all.

Here we are again. Back to square one. I'm retracing my tracks, erasing some, and starting over, but in a clearer, healthier way. And I'm smiling, still listening to Brain Stew, but this time simply nodding my head along, not howling with it in rage. Now, I'm learning to forgive...

This has been my year. I don't regret one thing done. I needed all of these experiences to become who I am right now. Thank you, fate.
...Did YOU grow up a little this year like me?


  1. yes. my hair has grown out a lot. i've discovered that i'm not a mean, angry little girl who can't get along with zach.

    now, i'm a more popular flower child and i've gotten new sneakers. instead of being ignored by every boy in my class, they knock themselves out over me. i think this was the year when we all changed a little.

    the question is, is that a good thing, or a bad thing?

    i remember when it was just us three: me, liam, and ozzy. when we were seven. when we believed we were superheroes and had magical powers. when ozzy had spiky hair, when corrina had a crush on liam, and when i thought i had superpowers. :)

  2. Every mistake or little details make you to who you are today. You should be proud of it!

    Love this post xx

  3. I like how you mention your hair, as sort of a metaphor to how you're feeling in terms of growth. :)

    Sadly, I don't think I've grown one bit this year. Especially towards the end, I've been really angsty.

  4. This year I grew up more than I ever have before.
    And thank you so much for making me actually realize it.


  5. Wow, how things change in one year.
    I have definitely grown up mentally, and learned a lot. But I still have a lot to learn.
    I think the teenage years is the time where we grow up most.


  6. a year goes so fast when you look back on it,
    beautifull post!

  7. Beautiful Jade! I feels like ages since I last visited you, but I'm glad I finally did :)

    And sorry for the late reply. It's not a girl, but a little boy on the picture (o well, when they're young it's hard to tell the difference!). He's actually the son of a cousin of mine, all my cousins are a lot older than me, so it's not that weird!

    Happy New Year :)

  8. Definitely grew a lot this year! I had to lost everything (literally and figuratively speaking) in order to gain everything. This was my reinventive year! SOOOO pumped about bumping into your blog! We have SO much in common I've already read. Stay inspired! :)