Tuesday, August 24, 2010

I turn around and he's standing in the middle of the hall, smiling at me, but I can't think of anything to say. We stay like that for a minute until he inclines his head and goes where he's going and I'm alone, like I've wanted forever, except that's not really true because mom's waiting for me outside and there's a shrink waiting for me in the city and there's nothing I can do about the past.
- Parker in Cracked Up to Be by Courtney Summers, p. 214

Guess I've waited too long for me to allow you to come up and sweep me into your arms like you always said you wanted to, huh? You used to let me wear your sweatshirt over my own in the rain, even when all you had underneath was a tee shirt. You let me keep your gloves, which I still sometimes drag out from the basement where we keep the winter stuff and press my nose to them, making me feel things again like I used to. I can still feel your hands around my waist as we moved around the yard dancing like complete idiots together in the freezing cold, my teeth chattering in happiness. I remember walking through the woods, even when my mom had no clue where I was. I remember whenever I was sad, you'd crouch down next to me and lean into my face, whispering something totally stupid into my ear that would make me crack up laughing. I remember the conversations in my front yard after school that were endless and the words would roll off my tongue with ease. I still know the nickname you gave me, even when you think I don't. I remember all those times you asked me out, and even while I was screaming yes inside, I'd always say no.
Why why why why why why why not?
You're the only guy that's ever given me the time of day, and now I don't even trust my girlfriends to tell my secrets to.
I miss you so much, trying to be content with the memories of when I was truly, fully happy.


  1. This post makes me feel sad. I hope you feel better later on!

  2. This post makes me feel a little sad but the same thing is kinda happening to me too.

    well hugs,

  3. Awe Jade, boys come and go. He's not the only one out there whos going to be good to you like that. But if you really like him, then you should try talking to him. Just try. There's no harm done. Lots of, lots of, LOTS OF, love <3

  4. But remembering is all we have to remind of us what's good in the future, yeah?

  5. Hm. If THIS is about a boy, then do what I suggested up there. If it isn't then this is just so sad =( Plus I'd feel retarded...haha. Lots of more endless love <3

  6. Amy- thanks, it hasn't bothered me in awhile, but for the last week, its been head-on memories that shock me here and there :) i know i'll feel better soon, though

    Shannon- really? i'm sorry :( i know how it feels

    Francesca- yeah, they do. they make me happy, even while i'm crying, ha ha

    Talia- thanks for ur great advice, it made me feel a lot better. the thing is that he's just this really amazing boy and he still talks to me, but we're still distant, you know? i wish things were still like they used to be...

  7. ah my how I hold onto memories forever. i pull them out to cheer me up or make me remenissee (haha i have NO idea how to spell that).
    i love this quote from A Fine Frenzy, it was one of her song lyrics from her song "think of you" and it goes like this -

    'you dont owe me anything, you've paid me well in memories'

  8. This is like my life. Like, are you writing about me or you here? Because it sound rxactly like my situation. :( It's all going to be okay, I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to. X's and O's, Hannah. ♥♥♥