I turn around and he's standing in the middle of the hall, smiling at me, but I can't think of anything to say. We stay like that for a minute until he inclines his head and goes where he's going and I'm alone, like I've wanted forever, except that's not really true because mom's waiting for me outside and there's a shrink waiting for me in the city and there's nothing I can do about the past.
- Parker in Cracked Up to Be by Courtney Summers, p. 214
Guess I've waited too long for me to allow you to come up and sweep me into your arms like you always said you wanted to, huh? You used to let me wear your sweatshirt over my own in the rain, even when all you had underneath was a tee shirt. You let me keep your gloves, which I still sometimes drag out from the basement where we keep the winter stuff and press my nose to them, making me feel things again like I used to. I can still feel your hands around my waist as we moved around the yard dancing like complete idiots together in the freezing cold, my teeth chattering in happiness. I remember walking through the woods, even when my mom had no clue where I was. I remember whenever I was sad, you'd crouch down next to me and lean into my face, whispering something totally stupid into my ear that would make me crack up laughing. I remember the conversations in my front yard after school that were endless and the words would roll off my tongue with ease. I still know the nickname you gave me, even when you think I don't. I remember all those times you asked me out, and even while I was screaming yes inside, I'd always say no.
Why why why why why why why not?
You're the only guy that's ever given me the time of day, and now I don't even trust my girlfriends to tell my secrets to.
I miss you so much, trying to be content with the memories of when I was truly, fully happy.